For those just now tuning in...I am a 33 year old divorcee. While the abuse was a major reason for this, there was also another major reason - infidelity. The ironic thing is, 75% of our altercations were brought about because we were arguing about some woman.
While my main focus is for the bruised and battered, tonight I also want to shed light on another painful issue that I have had to deal with; an issue that women and men deal with more than abuse...and that is cheating. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually it hurts just as bad as the abuse.
Yesterday it was revealed to my church family, friends, guests, and God only knows who by now, that my pastor was resigning from his position at the church because he had been unfaithful to his wife...AGAIN. The first time, the affair was strictly emotional, just inappropriate conversation, but his conscience won him over and he confessed to his wife, his family and friends, and the entire church. He came before the church, poured his heart out, pleaded for everyone's forgiveness...very heart felt and genuine...and then he went on hiatus. This time, the affair was physical and there was no conscience, and he resigned via a letter. The first time, I was so heartbroken. I remember sitting in the pews just crying like a BABY. I was heartbroken and hurt for his family, but also because this was the man that counseled me when I was seeking guidance about MY cheating husband a couple of years previous. This time, I'm disgusted, I'm angry, and if I am honest, harbor no sympathy for him. Although he was a pastor, he is a MAN first and foremost. He proved that to me clearly.
I am far from perfect or sin free, so I am not judging him. I get that because of the position he held, the devil was probably at him 1000 times more than someone not in his position. I remember many of sermons were he would say he was preaching to himself or that he fails daily in his walk. But never in a million years did anyone expect what was happening to be happening. Again, I could be a little bias here, but after the first time, why would you not guard yourself a little harder? Why would you not be a little more intentional about fleeing temptation? When you needed to practice what you preached the most, and didn't. Believer or not, as a human being, how does one live with themselves knowingly betraying their loved ones? When you vow to love, honor, respect, be faithful, be honest...how do you turn your back on that?
As I think back on the many times I caught my ex-husband cheating; in the beginning, it seemed to hurt more and more each time. It was like being punched in the stomach, having the wind knocked out of you...for a long, long time. Oh and the pain in your chest. I know your heart does not physically break, but man does it sure feel like. It hurts so much, it's almost suffocating. Then comes the comparing yourself to the other woman, trying to figure out what it is about her, what does she have you don't, what is she doing that you're not, what is she saying that you're not...Then comes the tears and the sadness...that eventually turns into anger...anger that you don't know what to do with. Truth of the matter is, I wasn't going to leave him, he knew it and I knew it. But because he knew it was the right thing to do, he came with the empty promise to never do it again...but then, one day I caught him cheating, it didn't hurt as much as the last time...and each time after that, it hurt less and less and less. That is when I realized I had become numb to his betrayal and it was time to go...I was done.
I believe in my heart of hearts that people can change if THEY want to. If you ask me, I would tell you that my ex-husband has changed and the likelihood of him cheating on another woman is 0. Unfortunately for me, him, our kids, he waited too late to want to change. He broke me down not only with his fists and words, but also his betrayal. Once I was FREE and loving myself, able to be myself...there was/is absolutely no turning back for me. Whether is it abuse or cheating or both or something else...WOMAN...MAN...you can do bad by yourself. My life has not been a cake walk since I left, but my struggles now are so worth it; better than the toxic situation I was in. Oddly enough, the majority of men that I have had some type of connection to me in the last year, have lied, cheated, or both in some capacity. So, do I have trusts issues...to the millionth degree lol. After hearing about my pastor, I am really starting to question can I EVER trust a man again. BUT GOD! Thankfully, my trust and my faith are in Him and if I stick with Him, He will always lead me where He needs/wants me to go.
He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong upright and just is He. - Deuteronomy 32:4
